Today I woke up missing my mother more than usual. There were so many things we hadn’t talked about when she had been alive. Things we probably should have talked about. I had, however, made sure that she hadn’t blamed herself for my foolish mistakes of the past. That is the thing with mistakes. I think Billy Joel said it best. They are truly the only things that we can call our own. Isn’t that the truth?
My relationship with my daughter is pretty good. At least I think it is. We can talk about many things. Even though there are plenty of those occasions when she rolls her eyes when I am getting too personal. “Hey, I’m your mother. It gives me the right to be a royal pain in your butt. I tell you these things, why?”
“Because you love me.” By now, her eyes are still rolling but there is the hint of a smile. As long as she knows that is why I am being so persistent. It is important to me that she knows.
I am not going to be around forever. I need to know that she, as well as my boys, can take care of themselves. Only then, will my job as a mother be complete. My boys have taken on the hard-headed mentality. That’s all right. We’ve all been there. As long as they know that I love them and want the very best for them that life has to offer.
No one understands better than me that you can love someone and not be able to live with them. That was the type of relationship I shared with my mother. I could not live with her but that did not mean I didn’t love her. I found I had a better relationship with her when I didn’t live with her.
I always admired my mom; I thought she had to be one of the strongest women I had ever known. She had single-handedly raised three girls who had turned into some pretty successful women, if I do say so myself. My grandmother had lived with us as well but it had been my mom who ran the house. She raised us to be the best that we could be. And for the time that I had deviated from the plan, God had been watching over me. I thank God that I finally came to my senses, came back into the fold, and had been able to spend some time with my mom before she had unexpectedly passed away three years later.
There are some things I don’t understand. Some things I may never understand. And that’s quite all right. I’m still standing here, unwavering, standing on the promises of God. I’ve come to accept that God’s plan for my life is so much better than anything I can ever hope to achieve. So I wait and I pray to God with an unconditional love that only one mother to another can ever understand.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Midnight Magic - The Rewrite
I finally took that Ahhh breath this morning when I FINALLY finished this rewrite. I am hoping that this is good enough for them to go ahead. Of course I am just beginning the edits so you never know what can happen now. But it truly is a wonderful feeling to know that you have jumped that last hurdle. I think I just might be over the moon. And coming off a vacation high I would have to say that's pretty good.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Book Signing Sat. 08-08
Thursday, July 30, 2009
PawPrints
Everyone who knows me knows the way I feel about my Ratties. Chase and Chelsea are my two babies. I love them with all my heart, much more than I ever thought that I could love another human being; the fact that they are dogs has no bearing on that love. There are people who have no idea what they are missing and that is too bad. A dog loves unconditionally. There are people that can take lessons in that particular department.
When I say that there are absolutely no conditions I mean none. All they ask for is food, water, some attention, and our love in return. They need to be cared for and in return they give us companionship and unconditional love. A dog does not know how to hold a grudge. He does not care if you are not pretty. He doesn't care if you gained a few pounds over the holidays and haven't even started working out. A nice healthy dinner, a scratch behind the ears, and a nice walk will suffice.
Chase is eight and Chelsea is six. Although they are both the same breed, Rat Terriers, they are as different as night and day. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Maybe the same holds true for dogs as well.
Everyone who knows us also knows what we have been through with Chase’s health. I can only thank God that we have come through and now can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been able to put what we had gone through in words because it had been such a nightmare from the very beginning. He’d gone through major surgery and if it’s one thing I have learned about Chase – He is a fighter. You can’t keep a good dog down. He has proven this over and over again, too many times if you ask me. That hospital stay had been hard on all of us. I was amazed at how caring the staff was at the Animal Emergency & Referral Associates located in Fairfield, New Jersey. They had been kind through my tears and concern for my beloved Chase. And it was a relief to feel that they cared and that Chase wasn’t just a meal ticket for someone. Unfortunately they got to know him a little too well but through it all they were there whenever and however many times I called. That was a comfort. Even the doctors got to know Chase and his many quips while he was there. And I was comforted to know that Chase was getting the best care possible. I knew that in my heart.
If I hear “It’s just a dog,” one more time I think I might scream. Both Chase and Chelsea rate as my children. And no one knows this better than a dog lover. I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that Tom and I have such a special bond with our pups that cannot me explained. Our love supersedes unconditional love if that is possible. With God on our side we have remained positive as we had weathered some pretty tough waters in the last four months. Chase and Chelsea have left their paw prints all over my clothes, my furniture, but more than that, they left their paw prints all over my heart.
When I say that there are absolutely no conditions I mean none. All they ask for is food, water, some attention, and our love in return. They need to be cared for and in return they give us companionship and unconditional love. A dog does not know how to hold a grudge. He does not care if you are not pretty. He doesn't care if you gained a few pounds over the holidays and haven't even started working out. A nice healthy dinner, a scratch behind the ears, and a nice walk will suffice.
Chase is eight and Chelsea is six. Although they are both the same breed, Rat Terriers, they are as different as night and day. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Maybe the same holds true for dogs as well.
Everyone who knows us also knows what we have been through with Chase’s health. I can only thank God that we have come through and now can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been able to put what we had gone through in words because it had been such a nightmare from the very beginning. He’d gone through major surgery and if it’s one thing I have learned about Chase – He is a fighter. You can’t keep a good dog down. He has proven this over and over again, too many times if you ask me. That hospital stay had been hard on all of us. I was amazed at how caring the staff was at the Animal Emergency & Referral Associates located in Fairfield, New Jersey. They had been kind through my tears and concern for my beloved Chase. And it was a relief to feel that they cared and that Chase wasn’t just a meal ticket for someone. Unfortunately they got to know him a little too well but through it all they were there whenever and however many times I called. That was a comfort. Even the doctors got to know Chase and his many quips while he was there. And I was comforted to know that Chase was getting the best care possible. I knew that in my heart.
If I hear “It’s just a dog,” one more time I think I might scream. Both Chase and Chelsea rate as my children. And no one knows this better than a dog lover. I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that Tom and I have such a special bond with our pups that cannot me explained. Our love supersedes unconditional love if that is possible. With God on our side we have remained positive as we had weathered some pretty tough waters in the last four months. Chase and Chelsea have left their paw prints all over my clothes, my furniture, but more than that, they left their paw prints all over my heart.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…
“But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
June 2, 2009
Tonight Uncle Jim passed away. Almost three weeks before that Uncle Frank had passed. Both had been my mother’s brothers. The last part of my Mom’s branch passed away tonight and I feel like a leaf blowing in the breeze. I had never looked at it in terms of branches on a family tree until Jackie started asking how everyone was related. From Great Uncles to uncles who were uncles through marriage. From cousins to second cousins and the like. The family tree had never been something I had been interested in learning about. Until now.
To think that an entire branch has passed on forces us to look at our own mortality. We’re the next branch in line. My heart is saddened. I think of my mom and find myself wondering what it would be like if she were here. She had never gotten to see any of my major achievements in life. Then again, didn’t she? She got to see me stand up for what was right, leave an abusive first husband, and start over as a single mom with three small children. She got to see me meet a wonderful man on a blind date, although she didn’t know at that time that he would one day become my husband. She spent a lot of time with my children when they had been small, enjoying them and their antics. She had seen me get my diploma, go back to work, and finally stand on my own two feet.
It’s all a matter of looking at the glass half empty or looking at the glass half full.
Tom and I always talk about Heaven and the way we imagine it to be. When Uncle Frank passed a couple of weeks ago I can so vividly see Mom and Gram waiting to greet him. Of course Uncle Frank is overjoyed being in Heaven, after all, to be in God’s actual presence just has to be awesome! I can picture Mom with a smile saying. “Frankie, what are you doing here?”
And Uncle Frank giving her one of his famous lopsided grins. “I missed you.”
“Missed me.” She says. “I haven’t been gone but a couple of minutes.”
And then there were four. Grandpa, (whom I never got the pleasure of meeting) Gram, Mom, and Uncle Frank waiting silently, reverently, while it is now Uncle Jim’s turn to pass through the pearly gates. There is the brightest of sunshine. There is no more pain, no more tears, and no more sorrow. There is simply perfection. A family reunion ensues!
That’s exactly how I envision it! I wonder if time actually stands still in Heaven. I do believe that the time factor is different. This is not just a mindset. This is an actual promise that God has given to us. Of course there are provisions. All we must do is accept that His son died on the cross for all of our sins and ask His forgiveness and invite Him into our hearts! That’s it! I have taken math exams that were harder than that. Just think everlasting life with the King of Kings and to spend eternity with all of our loved ones. Just to know that simple fact is more than awesome!
Now Uncle Jim joins the rest of his family and we that are left behind are in mourning. We are mourning our loss, or in this case, our recent losses. I know that there will be some days that are harder than others. We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be reminders and memories throughout our own lives. Many of which we will get to share with our children, grandchildren, and if we’re lucky, our great grandchildren.
And then one day we will find ourselves being guided through those same gates that many have passed through before us and our loved ones will be waiting eagerly to greet us. You can be sure that you will hear. “But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
June 2, 2009
Tonight Uncle Jim passed away. Almost three weeks before that Uncle Frank had passed. Both had been my mother’s brothers. The last part of my Mom’s branch passed away tonight and I feel like a leaf blowing in the breeze. I had never looked at it in terms of branches on a family tree until Jackie started asking how everyone was related. From Great Uncles to uncles who were uncles through marriage. From cousins to second cousins and the like. The family tree had never been something I had been interested in learning about. Until now.
To think that an entire branch has passed on forces us to look at our own mortality. We’re the next branch in line. My heart is saddened. I think of my mom and find myself wondering what it would be like if she were here. She had never gotten to see any of my major achievements in life. Then again, didn’t she? She got to see me stand up for what was right, leave an abusive first husband, and start over as a single mom with three small children. She got to see me meet a wonderful man on a blind date, although she didn’t know at that time that he would one day become my husband. She spent a lot of time with my children when they had been small, enjoying them and their antics. She had seen me get my diploma, go back to work, and finally stand on my own two feet.
It’s all a matter of looking at the glass half empty or looking at the glass half full.
Tom and I always talk about Heaven and the way we imagine it to be. When Uncle Frank passed a couple of weeks ago I can so vividly see Mom and Gram waiting to greet him. Of course Uncle Frank is overjoyed being in Heaven, after all, to be in God’s actual presence just has to be awesome! I can picture Mom with a smile saying. “Frankie, what are you doing here?”
And Uncle Frank giving her one of his famous lopsided grins. “I missed you.”
“Missed me.” She says. “I haven’t been gone but a couple of minutes.”
And then there were four. Grandpa, (whom I never got the pleasure of meeting) Gram, Mom, and Uncle Frank waiting silently, reverently, while it is now Uncle Jim’s turn to pass through the pearly gates. There is the brightest of sunshine. There is no more pain, no more tears, and no more sorrow. There is simply perfection. A family reunion ensues!
That’s exactly how I envision it! I wonder if time actually stands still in Heaven. I do believe that the time factor is different. This is not just a mindset. This is an actual promise that God has given to us. Of course there are provisions. All we must do is accept that His son died on the cross for all of our sins and ask His forgiveness and invite Him into our hearts! That’s it! I have taken math exams that were harder than that. Just think everlasting life with the King of Kings and to spend eternity with all of our loved ones. Just to know that simple fact is more than awesome!
Now Uncle Jim joins the rest of his family and we that are left behind are in mourning. We are mourning our loss, or in this case, our recent losses. I know that there will be some days that are harder than others. We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be reminders and memories throughout our own lives. Many of which we will get to share with our children, grandchildren, and if we’re lucky, our great grandchildren.
And then one day we will find ourselves being guided through those same gates that many have passed through before us and our loved ones will be waiting eagerly to greet us. You can be sure that you will hear. “But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Mask
I’ve been told that we hide behind a mask. I have never really believed it until recently. There are certain things we allow people to see and there are other things we do not. It’s sort of like an omission. I don’t think we plan on doing it, but as we get older we’ve come to realize that when someone asks how we are doing, whether we are doing well or not is not the issue. They are asking to be nice and we just automatically come back with a one word answer and toss the ball back into their court. Why? Because it is something called pleasantries. It’s as simple as that. An acquaintance doesn’t want to hear about Aunt Martha’s ailing back, or about Fluffy’s bringing home a mouse the day before. Although these things are important to us they just do not seem worthy enough to share with a casual acquaintance.
I have a friend who whenever asked how she is doing always goes down the list with every ailment she’s had in the past six months. There are quite a number of people who don’t ask her how she is because of this. Me, I always ask. I feel that maybe the reason she does this is simply because she needs someone to talk to. Someone to commiserate with. Someone to share with how she feels.
For someone like me, who has always spoken her mind, to discover that I hide behind a mask did take me by surprise. I am more than happy to share the “feel good” things in my life but when it comes down to the “not so good” I tend to clam up. Hurt is a hard enough emotion to deal with as it is so why put it out there.
Seems like I learned a hard lesson recently that has me rethinking quite a few different issues. Simply put, some things that we deem important are just better left unsaid. If you feel the need to unload these burdens go to a therapist and unload them there. This boils down to one of my favorite sayings. Sometimes doing the right thing is not always the right thing to do.
I have a friend who whenever asked how she is doing always goes down the list with every ailment she’s had in the past six months. There are quite a number of people who don’t ask her how she is because of this. Me, I always ask. I feel that maybe the reason she does this is simply because she needs someone to talk to. Someone to commiserate with. Someone to share with how she feels.
For someone like me, who has always spoken her mind, to discover that I hide behind a mask did take me by surprise. I am more than happy to share the “feel good” things in my life but when it comes down to the “not so good” I tend to clam up. Hurt is a hard enough emotion to deal with as it is so why put it out there.
Seems like I learned a hard lesson recently that has me rethinking quite a few different issues. Simply put, some things that we deem important are just better left unsaid. If you feel the need to unload these burdens go to a therapist and unload them there. This boils down to one of my favorite sayings. Sometimes doing the right thing is not always the right thing to do.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Unfinished Business
I had a nice talk with Jackie this morning. One of those mother daughter chats that me and my mom unfortunately never had. I don’t really know why, and then again, maybe I do. My mom never had really talked to me about dating or the rules of dating. True, I had married young, but we just never had that kind of relationship. In my opinion, Jackie and I have a pretty good relationship. I try to make it a point to talk to her about all of the things my mother never told me. Sure, I am still learning. I sometimes say the wrong thing, none of us are perfect. This morning I asked her about her very first crush. She rolled her eyes as only Jackie can do, but she forgets that I am well informed on these things. I told her about what I refer to as “Unfinished Business”. We’ve had this conversation before. In fact we talked about it a lot as it was something very important to me. I’ve only had this conversation with a select few in my circle who know me very well.
“I know.” She meets my eyes for a brief moment then looks away. “You’re the voice of experience.”
“I just don’t ever want for you to have regrets later on down the line.” I did not add that it was something that I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
She made herself busy at her dresser. I know she doesn’t want to meet my gaze. Maybe because she knows that I will not simply drop the subject and move on. I’m not really sure. I just don’t want her to have any regrets later on. Sure, my circumstances are very different but are we ever really sure of anything? And tomorrow is just one of those things that are never guaranteed. “So, who was he?” I already know the answer and she flushes.
“Mom.”
“Okay.” I concede the point only because I think that she knows that I know who he is. “I just want to make sure. I don’t want you to ever look back and think what if…” What a joke that is, as well as the biggest understatement ever made. What if… Where does my list begin? Actually I don’t think I know where it ends. I don’t want to go there. Not again. And not now! I’ve already had to repair my makeup once today and I’m not going for a second time.
Jackie and I have that special bond. Sometimes I believe that maybe there are some things that should just remain in the past. Maybe we shouldn’t discuss them. Then again, I would like with all my heart to believe that she tries to understand where I’m coming from and as a mother I hope to God that she’ll never have to experience in her life, exactly where I’m coming from.
“I know.” She meets my eyes for a brief moment then looks away. “You’re the voice of experience.”
“I just don’t ever want for you to have regrets later on down the line.” I did not add that it was something that I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
She made herself busy at her dresser. I know she doesn’t want to meet my gaze. Maybe because she knows that I will not simply drop the subject and move on. I’m not really sure. I just don’t want her to have any regrets later on. Sure, my circumstances are very different but are we ever really sure of anything? And tomorrow is just one of those things that are never guaranteed. “So, who was he?” I already know the answer and she flushes.
“Mom.”
“Okay.” I concede the point only because I think that she knows that I know who he is. “I just want to make sure. I don’t want you to ever look back and think what if…” What a joke that is, as well as the biggest understatement ever made. What if… Where does my list begin? Actually I don’t think I know where it ends. I don’t want to go there. Not again. And not now! I’ve already had to repair my makeup once today and I’m not going for a second time.
Jackie and I have that special bond. Sometimes I believe that maybe there are some things that should just remain in the past. Maybe we shouldn’t discuss them. Then again, I would like with all my heart to believe that she tries to understand where I’m coming from and as a mother I hope to God that she’ll never have to experience in her life, exactly where I’m coming from.
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